Reassurance: A Ritual in Sheep’s Clothing
For many people, uncertainty feels sort of like the DMV, the dentist, or bridal showers— something we’d all just rather avoid. But to someone who has OCD, uncertainty feels much worse because it doesn’t feel harmless. In fact, it sometimes feels life threatening. Like, if you don’t figure this out RIGHT NOW things are going to get bad. Real bad.
And for you —the OCD sufferer—that’s where reassurance starts to look really appealing. It gives you the false hope that you can find the answer. But the relief doesn’t last long, because doubt creeps in when you realize you can’t possibly know for sure. Alas, we circle back to the unpleasant truth that uncertainty is part of life.
To illustrate this point, let me provide an example. As I write this blog in my home office I think my dog is somewhere in the house sleeping soundly as I left him…but I don’t know that for sure. I don’t physically have eyes on him. It is possible that he may be choking on a dog toy or has just dropped dead due to an unknown illness. A horrifying thought, considering I love my dog as if he were my firstborn child (if you’re a dog person, you get it). The thought of it makes my stomach drop a little, and part of me wants to get up and check on him. But what kind of life would it be if I always gave in to this urge to be certain? Instead of checking, I am going to choose to live with the uncertainty and focus on the job at hand — to write this entry for you.
If you are feeling unsettled, GOOD. Get used to that feeling. Each time you resist asking for reassurance, you will grow more and more familiar with this feeling. Think of it like building a callous. Our skin is sensitive in the beginning but over time it gets tougher and able to withstand more. When you ask for reassurance, it’s like ripping that callous off and having to start all over with raw and sensitive skin.
So, how do you know if you are asking for reassurance or just asking a question to be informed? Take a look at the chart below.
When you feel the question forming at the tip of your tongue, STOP! Remember you have made the decision to coexist with uncertainty because you have things to do and your life can’t be put on hold until you resolve this current subject of your obsession. You must move forward, despite the unsettled feeling.
Of course, no one is perfect. For those instances where you feel like you can’t stop yourself or when a reassurance-seeking question slips out, educate your family, friends, and other reassurance-givers on what they can do to help:
Instead of providing their best guess to unanswerable questions, they can respond with Maybe, We’ll see, or I don’t know.
Other supportive responses include…
I’m sorry you are having a hard time, but I can’t answer that.
Do you think you are seeking reassurance right now?
I already answered that question.
I’m sorry I don’t have the answer.
The more you are able to callous yourself to uncertainty, the more tolerable it will be over time. Seeking reassurance may seem harmless (and OCD will try to convince you of this!!) but it is truly a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It’s a compulsion that feeds the loop of obsessions, and you have the power to stop it!
